Anyone But Him
by OverSweetNightmare
Summary: Kyman! Kyle finds something attractive about the last person he'd ever want to be attracted to. One-shot, but with the possibility of a sequel. Rated T because T is delicious.


**AN: Look, guys! I'm not dead! I'm just really busy writing a big Kyman multichap. That's right! I'm not being lazy - I'm hard at work! Bitch yeah! :D I just really wanna finish it before I post it. So there you are. To appease the fans, here is a new one shot. Also - I missed 201, and thanks to the terrorists and all, it isn't airing anywhere. Since I'm terrified of spoilers I'm going to go into hiding until I see it. So don't expect any replies to the reviews, if there are any. XP So, without further adieu, here is my newest piece of crap. XD**

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We trudged through the sewer water in single file with Stan at the front. He was the only one who had his phone on him, and he was using its light to find the way through the dark tunnels. Above, I could hear the explosions we'd run so desperately from.

"You don't think they'll blow up our houses, right?" Cartman asked from behind me.

"Nah," Stan replied quickly. "They're just trying to scare us, that's all. We'll get back home and they won't even be near the houses. Didn't you see how they only went for cars?"

"I guess," Cartman said, his voice unsure. "They better just stick to cars…"

"Stop worrying, fatass," I hissed at him. The insult didn't carry weight anymore, actually; as he'd grown into his teens, Cartman had lost a considerable amount of his fat. Not like he didn't still look bulky, but that could have been because of the jacket he never took off.

"Alright, _Jew._ If my house blows up I'm staying with you."

I huffed and walked closer to Stan. I had the same fears as Cartman, of course, but I wasn't actually going to tell anyone that. I wanted to seem confident. The day I'd turned sixteen I'd promised myself that I was going to try and be the tough one. It wasn't working so well, but…

"Hey, uh, guys? Do we even know where we're going?" Kenny asked from the back of our line. "We haven't been down here in ages."

"Fuck." Stan flipped his phone closed and then opened it again so the light would come back on. "I totally forgot about that. Well… the only fork I can recall is up ahead somewhere. We'll just split up when it comes and call to each other when we find the exit."

"Brilliant plan, my good sir," Kenny said cheerfully.

"Right," Cartman growled. "And what if there are more forks, Stan? Like five or six of them? And they all look the same?"

"Then we'll find Mr. Hankey and ask him the way out!" I snapped. "Jesus Christ, Cartman!"

I heard him grumble irritably before he fell silent. For the next few minutes, the only sound was that of our legs sloshing through the thick sewer water. We'd long since become desensitized to the terrible smell, and Cartman hadn't made a 'smells like Kenny's house' comment since we'd dropped in half an hour prior.

"It's gonna take days to get the smell off my pants," I said despairingly as I thought of it.

"I hear you," Stan said with a sigh. "Maybe we should just burn them when we finally get out of here."

We descended into silence again after that, and it was pretty unsettling. It was rare for Cartman to not interject with his own spiteful comments. I was suspicious, but I figured that walking through sewer water was enough to dampen even _his_ mood.

"Here's the fork," Stan said eventually, and I looked up to see two pitch black tunnels whose entrances were just barely illuminated by Stan's phone.

"Great," Cartman said bitterly. "Now how do we do this, Stan? Do you expect whoever doesn't go with you to have miraculous night vision?"

"You can just go with Kyle," Stan said a bit irritably. "He can see pretty well in the dark. Right, Ky?"

"Woah, woah, woah," Cartman said slowly. "You want me to go with _him?_ The hell, Stan? Seriously?"

"He has a point," I growled. "The fuck, Stan? I'm not going with him! He'll try to drown me when you're around the corner!"

"Guys, don't complain," Stan sighed. "Kenny will probably die if he goes with either of you. You'll be fine. Just go down the left tunnel and see if you can find the way out."

"Thanks for thinking of me, Stan," Kenny said with a laugh. "That's nice of you."

Stan nodded absently and motioned toward the left tunnel with his free hand. "Well? Go on, you guys. We won't get out of here any faster if you argue with me."

"Stan, seriously! He'll murder me!" I whined, but to no avail. Stan shook his head and pointed to the left tunnel again.

"C'mon, Jew," Cartman said darkly as he waded through the water towards the tunnel. "Let's put that night vision of yours to good use."

I shot Stan a furious look as I followed Cartman. It wasn't so much that Stan's word was law as it was the fact that he was, in some sense, our leader. We chose to follow him. Even Cartman did to some degree, though I suspected it was more out of subconscious decision. Leader or not, though, I could still hate him for what he requested of me.

"Can you see?" Cartman asked as the shadows fell around us.

"Kind of," I replied. "Probably no better than you can. I'm not _that_ good in the dark."

"Kyle, for our sake, you'd better be seeing more than I am. I can't see shit."

I chuckled. Well, so far, things weren't too bad. I hoped Cartman disliked Stan too much at the moment to focus on hurting me. He sure had the opportunity to do so here. "Okay, so I can see better than you. Not by much, I'm sure. Watch out for that pipe."

Cartman paused for a moment, and I watched as he carefully stepped over the pipe I'd spotted. When he knew he was past it, we continued onward.

"So do all Jews have good night vision?" Cartman asked, his voice completely serious.

"I dunno," I said with a sigh. "Listen… sometimes, when I do special things, it isn't related to my religion."

"Race, Kyle. Race. Not just religion."

"Cartman, I'm white. Just like you."

"No, Kyle, you're Jewish."

I decided it would be in my better interest to not argue with him. I knew it wouldn't get me anywhere, and after sloshing through sewer water for as long as I had been, I was too exhausted to try and pick a fight with him anyway.

I squinted into the darkness, trying to make out a ladder or hatch at the bottom of the tunnel. If memory served, one of the tunnels was – for some unknown reason to us – a dead end. I was praying to myself that this one wasn't that tunnel, and I'd be able to get outside soon.

"What was that?"

I stopped and glanced over at Cartman. I could just barely make out his head tilted to the side as he listened for something apparently only he had heard. I waited patiently for him to decide it was nothing and move on, but he stood there for a good long time.

"Cartman, we have to –"

"Shh!" he hissed, and the next thing I knew, he was pinning me to one of the grimy sewer walls. His chest wasn't moving, and I realized he was holding his breath. I listened carefully for whatever had startled him so much.

Then I heard it. Farther down the tunnel, I could hear the soft scratching and scuffling of what I presumed were rats crawling around. There were dull splashes as some of them fell off of the jutting bits of stone in the walls and fell into the water. I watched in fascinated horror as they came into my field of view, some of them running and others swimming. Cartman pressed himself against me, and I slid my hands up to his chest to keep us somewhat apart.

When they were gone, I felt Cartman's chest move against my hands as he sighed in relief. "Whew. Stupid rats. Sorry about that, just startled me, y'know? Did you see them? Were they big?"

I was silent.

"Uh… Kyle? Are your ears clogged or something? I'm talking to you."

I swallowed thickly in response.

"Kyle?"

"When… when did you get these, Cartman?" I asked breathlessly.

"Get what?" he asked, the confusion in his voice evident.

"Th… these," I said shakily as I pressed my hands against his chest.

It took him a good long time to figure out what I meant. I waited patiently, struggling to force myself to move my hands. They stayed put.

"You mean… my muscles?"

I nodded, but then I remembered how dark it was. He wouldn't see. "Y… yeah."

Cartman burst out laughing, and I flattened myself against the wall. The last thing wanted was for Stan or Kenny to come running and see what was going on… I doubted they would, but still.

"Jesus, Kyle, didn't you notice the fat go away?"

"Yeah, but…"

"Where the hell did you think I put it, stupid? Did you think I threw it all up? It took effort, you know. A lot of it."

I gulped. "I… I see."

"Kyle, seriously. What's so…" He trailed off as something dawned on him. Then, "You're gay." It was a statement.

I stayed silent.

"You came out a few months ago."

I looked off to the side.

"You like muscled guys, don't you?"

"Only some," I said quietly.

"Oh?"

"Don't like them when they're too big," I grumbled.

"Mine aren't."

"I can tell."

We fell into silence for a bit after that. Cartman didn't make any attempt to move away from my hands, and I couldn't bring myself to pull away either. He was so close to me that backing away wouldn't dislodge my hands, and I had no desire to duck around him. So we stayed there. I eventually became aware of the fact that he was wearing cologne, and I wanted to punch myself when I realized that I liked it.

I heard a single rat skitter by us after some time, and that seemed to be enough to prompt Cartman into speaking again.

"So am I a turn on, Jew?"

I blinked and looked up at the shadow of his face. I couldn't tell, but I was almost positive he was smirking at me.

"Wh-what? Hell no, Cartman! I just… I like toned guys. That doesn't mean I like _you._"

Cartman chuckled, and I felt his breath on my face as he leaned close to me. "Oh, come on, Kyle. You know you like it. That means you like me, right?"

"What the fuck are you getting at?" I asked irritably. "Cartman, I hate you. And that's how it's supposed to be."

"I dunno, Jew. It isn't that bad if you have a crush on me. I mean…" I felt his warm hands slide up over my own, and I gulped thickly. He dragged my hands down to his stomach and laughed. "Everyone likes feeling needed. Right?"

I was standing as still as I possibly could. God, he was so… so… built. I could feel it past that stupid baggy jacket of his. That's what he was counting on, too. I hated him for it. But I couldn't move my goddamned _hands_!

"You like that, huh Kyle? Do you like touching me? I can totally understand why. I always figured you were hot for me to begin with. I mean, seriouslah. If you're gonna go for any guy, it'd have to be –"

"Kyle! Cartman! We found the exit!"

Stan's voice echoed hollowly off the walls, and the sudden sound was enough to make Cartman pull back a bit. I took the second of clear thought and darted away from him. I heard Cartman mutter something under his breath before he sloshed after me.

Once we reunited with Stan and Kenny, Cartman had entirely dropped the matter, and I was grateful. The last thing I wanted was him blurting to our friends that I was turned on by him or something.

..

It was two weeks later when Cartman didn't show up for school.

He and I shared an English class, and we had a particularly strict teacher. She demanded that all work be done to begin with, and Cartman just so happened to vanish on the day of an important test. She ordered me to take his homework and the test to him so he could be done with it when he returned. He wasn't often absent from school at that point, so this was one of the first times I really had to go hand him homework. I wasn't exactly looking forward to it. But no amount of pleading would sway the teacher, so I reluctantly obliged to do as she asked.

Of course, that didn't stop me from asking others to do it, but even Butters refused. I hated Cartman for this – he'd gotten so bad that there was no way to force anyone to go near him. He was the terror of the school to some and a complete nuisance to others. It honestly made me question the tentative friendship I still held up with him.

I walked to his house slowly, hoping that maybe his mother had taken him somewhere and I could just leave his homework in his mailbox or something. But that wasn't the case, and when I got there I was eagerly greeted by Lianne Cartman. Just my luck.

"Oh, hello Kyle," she said sweetly as she put her shovel down. I'd stumbled across her as she was shoveling the driveway. I could have expected as much, of course. Muscled or not, Cartman didn't do chores unless he was bribed or forced.

"Hello, Ms. Cartman," I said politely. "Is your son home?"

"Why, yes. He just went upstairs to freshen up. He's been working out all day." She smiled kindly at me, and I tried to return the gesture. But the image of him working out was… well. Enough to make my pants tight.

I really hated myself at that moment.

"He should be in his room, if you want to see him," she continued. "Is that what you're here for?"

"Uh, yeah," I said slowly. "Came to bring him his English homework."

"That's nice of you, sweetie," she said kindly. I gulped and nodded.

"I'll go do that..." I muttered as I headed for the front door.

I closed the door behind me and looked up the stairs fearfully. I prayed he was done washing up and was wearing his baggy sweater again. The last thing I wanted to see was a fresh-from-workout Cartman. Then again... The attraction I felt towards him was all based on what I guessed was there. I'd never actually _seen_ his muscles. For all I knew, they weren't even there. Yeah, right. But I could hope, for the sake of my sanity...

I trudged up the stairs with the papers clutched tightly in my hands. My heart was slamming thunderously in my chest, and I could feel my blood slowly going icy. I was terrified of what I might see… I didn't want an attraction to Cartman, even if it was based solely on lust. He was evil, racist, egomaniacal and… and...

Totally fucking hot.

Goddammit.

I sighed loudly and walked over to Cartman's bedroom door. I fully expected him to be inside; it was only what he was doing that I didn't know.

"Cartman?" I called hesitantly as I knocked on his door. "You in there? Mrs. Delaney wanted me to bring you your homework, and your mom told me –"

"Kyle?"

I whirled around as I heard his voice behind me, and my breath caught in my throat as I did so.

He'd just gotten out of the shower.

God. Fucking. Dammit.

He stood just outside of the bathroom door, his expression confused as he looked at me. He was holding a towel around his waist… and nothing else.

I gulped.

"What do you want, Kyle?" he asked, almost as if he had no idea what his appearance was doing to me.

"Uh… Mrs. Delaney wanted you to… um… have your… your homework. And a test. So… uh…"

"What the hell is wrong with you, Kyle? Is it…" He trailed off, and I blushed when I saw a devious smirk cross his face. "Oh… I get it." He patted his stomach - his abs – and tilted his head invitingly. "Like 'em when they're wet, eh Jew? Probably woulda had more fun watching me work out, but…"

I stared down at the carpet and thrust the papers at him. "Here."

I heard him laugh, and I tensed up as he took a few steps towards me. "My hands are wet, Kyle. Can you just come with me and set those on my desk?"

I was silent as he stepped past me, and I felt my entire body heat up as his arm brushed mine. Then his door was open, and I turned around stiffly and followed him inside.

"So, Kyle," he purred slowly. "Are you _just_ here to give me the work, or did you miss me…?"

"Don't push it," I hissed, my eyes still on his carpet. "I came here for the work. That's _it._"

"Mmmhm. Put those on my desk, will you?"

I shuffled over to his computer desk and put the papers down as hard as I could. Then I turned to Cartman, intent on snapping at him before leaving. Naturally, thanks to my raging and _very_ gay hormones, I didn't get the chance.

He was standing in front of his mirror, running a hairbrush through his sopping wet hair. The towel was just barely clinging to his waist as if it might fall down at any second. I watched as a few stray droplets of water ran down the perfect curve of his back.

Then I realized that his eyes were on me through the mirror, and he was smirking again.

"Like what you see?" he asked seductively.

"What does it matter?!" I snapped as I looked at the floor again. "Why do you even _care,_Cartman? You hate me! There's no way you could possibly want me to like you!" I glanced up to catch his reaction.

"I dunno," Cartman said carefully as he tossed his brush onto the bed. "It's nice to see you struggling like this, Jewboy. Can't get enough, eh?" He turned to face me and crossed his arms over his chest. The smirk was still in place.

"It's just lust anyway," I grumbled irritably. "I have _no _real attraction to you. You're disgusting, Cartman."

He walked closer to me, and I noticed with a trace of fear that the look in his eyes was absolutely predatory. "Lust, huh? So I'm a turn on?"

I gulped and pulled my jacket down to the middle of my thighs.

Cartman chuckled. "That's what I thought."

He slipped one of his hands under my chin and tilted my head up a little. My breath caught in my throat, and I could feel my pulse beating against his hand as one of his fingers pressed against my throat.

"You're a hot little Jew, aren't you?"

My eyes widened, and he chuckled softly.

"Don't worry. It's just lust for me too, Kyle."

"Wh… what? You… you… you hate me."

"I said lust, didn't I?" he purred softly.

"Yeah, but…" I gulped thickly. "But… you'd… you'd never… be attracted to me, right?"

He didn't answer, instead tilting his head to the side a bit and looking at me. I found myself staring into his eyes, fear and lust racing through my brain as the danger of it all really set in. Okay, so I didn't know what had gotten into him, but I did know that he was about to act on some impulses that would definitely push us somewhere beyond friendship.

Then he let go and walked away. I blinked stupidly as he began to root through his closet.

"Uh…"

He glanced over his shoulder and raised an eyebrow at me. "What did you expect, Kyle? I'm not a rapist."

My cheeks were on fire, and I turned to leave. Okay, so I was getting my hopes up. I didn't like him anyway, it was all lust, and I could just as easily find myself a good boyfriend and –

I felt his hand close around my upper arm.

I looked over at Cartman, struggling to keep my eyes on his face and not his torso. He was still fairly wet from his shower.

"Where are you going, Jew?" he asked in confusion.

"Um…leaving?" I gulped. "There's no reason for me to be here, is there? I mean –"

He kissed me.

I forgot what I was about to say.

"Fuck, Kyle, you freakin' girl. I was trying to go slow." He licked his lips and grinned. "Mm. Kosher."

I stared at him, my mouth open and eyes wide as they could possibly be. He grinned at me.

"I'll… um… I'll be going now."

Before Cartman could object, I ripped myself free of his grasp and darted out of his room as fast as I could. I heard him call a cheerful good-bye as I flew down the stairs, and the next thing I knew, I was racing down the street towards my house.

I hated him so much.

..

I walked to my window and watched Kyle run down the street. I didn't mind him leaving, really. I figured he'd do something like that. My plan was in motion now, anyway. If he'd stayed any longer I probably wouldn't have gotten farther no matter what I did.

No, I'd done all I needed to do today.

I chuckled to myself and sat down on my bed. Oh, yes. I knew I'd eventually figure out what Kyle liked. Now he was mine for sure. I'd just let it sit in his mind for a while, and then he'd come crawling back to me like the little Jew bitch he was.

I reached under my pillow and pulled out a picture I had of him. It was his school picture form the previous year; I had a knack for getting those.

I grinned down at the miniature rendition of him confidently. I didn't think anymore. No, I _knew _Kyle Broflovski would be mine.

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**AN: I can't help but feel that this is similar to something I've read before... Oh well. It's just a quick little thing to continue the Project with. So I'll go back to working on Fall For You now...**

**And a big thank you to Soul Flash, co founder of the project and my Kyman partner/artist/beta. You rock, Soul! X3**

**Review plz? :3**

**Edit: So I assume everyone heard about what happened to 201. I still haven't seen it, obviously. Now, Kyman fans, I'm going to ask you a question. And I hope you'll listen.**

**Please go to comedycentral(dot)com and send them a letter about it. If you can't think of your own argument, use Kyle's from Cartoon Wars part II. As South Park fans, it's our job to stand up behind Matt and Trey. And for all the American fans, it's our job to stand for our country and never be intimidated by these creeps.**

**Let Comedy Central know that what they've done is wrong. Let them understand that the episode they refuse to air or uncensor is an episode with meaning behind it. Let them know that they're failing their country, their fans, and South Park itself. We're nothing more than cowards if we refuse to stand up to a few crazy extremists.**

**It's just a cartoon, on one hand. But on the other hand, it's also the voice of two men who know what they stand for. And remember...**

**Either all of it is okay to make fun of, or none of it is.**


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